Friend or Fan

This post is going to be about your identity. It's about figuring out on what your identity is built. Before I begin, though, I feel like I should get one point on the table from the start. For each of us, our identity is based ultimately in the person of God. That's where our worth comes from. It's due to the fact that we are beloved creations of God, and nothing can change that. That should bring a great deal of comfort, knowing that no matter what happens in our lives, we can rest assured in the fact that God loves us.

However, that's not what I want to focus on today. Instead, I want you to consider how it is that you portray yourself to other people. How do you want others to relate to you? More specifically, do your base your inter-relational identity on who you are, or on what you do?

I think a problem for many of us is that we overemphasize the latter. We put so much pressure on ourselves to accomplish something. We want achievements. We want titles. We want to be successful in some area so that other people will see it and be impressed with us. We're groomed for this pursuit from the time we're born, it seems. We are told to go to school and work hard so that we can get good grades. We [and by "we," I mean "people other than me"] play sports so that people will take note of our athletic ability. We do everything we can to get good jobs so that we can make money and buy the status symbols that serve as trophies of our success.

All of this is part of our method of relating to others based on what we do. We develop a nearly Marxist self-perception in which our identities are wrapped up in what we produce. So the quest is to constantly produce more and better goods or deeds, because if we falter, then people will stop caring about us.

In a way, when we order our lives like this, we're seeking fame. That's a big part of the dream for many. We want to be famous. We want people to recognize our faces. We want to be congratulated. We want people to stop us on the street and tell us about how we are so great at what we do. We see celebrities on the red carpet, with the crowds pressing in and asking for autographs, and we think about how great it would be. And so, we continue to work and produce and do.

The other approach is to strive to build connections with others by who we are. This is an important difference. When we base our inter-relational identity on what we do, we get fans. We attract people who are intrigued by our ability or achievements. To some, that might sound like a pretty sweet gig, but I think there's something better. Instead of fans, what we really need are friends. A fan is someone who likes you because of what you do. A friend is someone who likes you because of who you are. A friend isn't concerned about whether or not you always produce the greatest thing in the world. A friend wants to be around you even when you fail. When you do something that isn't spectacular. And in the end, fans come and go, but friends tend to stick around. At least the good ones do.

So maybe some of us need to reevaluate where we put our time and energy. Many of us put forth so much effort doing, when what we really need is to simply be. We might need to stop and ask, "Do I want to make fans or friends?" Then we might start doing more to cultivate our characters instead of simply producing.