Today is Valentine's Day. It's a nice opportunity for people in relationships to go out for an enjoyable evening together. If a guy does something special for his girl today, I guess it makes up for all the other days when he doesn't really give a care. It's a nice system, really. It's also a good time for people to eat craploads of candy in the name of love. Any day that is so closely associated with chocolate is a good one in my book.
That's all well and good. The problem, however, is that there are many people, including me, who aren't part of a relationship. By it's nature, Valentine's Day is exclusive, and because of this, you'll often hear single people labeling it "Singles' Awareness Day." That's kind of silly. It means imposing a meaning on a holiday that is the complete opposite of what that day really is. It's like calling the 4th of July "King George III Day."
Even though I think the idea of a Singles' Awareness Day violates the intent of Valentine's, I don't have much to say to people in relationships. Besides, none of them will read this, because they're all too busy eating fancy pasta dinners and watching sappy movies. So this one is for all the single ladies (Wa-ah-oh....). And the single dudes. And whoever else might want to read, I suppose. I'm not picky.
Anyways, here's a list of "The Best Things About Being Single." And there aren't many people as qualified for writing such as a list as I am. I've had lots of practice in this realm. Enjoy.
-When I get ice cream, I don't have to share any with a girlfriend who says, "Let me try a bite of yours, and you can have a bite of mine." If I had wanted the kind she has, I would have ordered that instead.
-I don't get beat up by a giant football players who hit on my girlfriend and get mad when I stand up to them about it. Those situations would never end well for me.
-I can wear the same pair of pants for like, ten days a row, and chances are no one will notice.
-I can spend my evening watching Jeopardy and House instead of watching "The Vow" like a sucker.
-I don't have to worry about all my girlfriend's friends accidentally falling in love with me. That stuff is inevitable for some of us.
-My phone battery lasts a really long time before I have to recharge it.
-I can listen to whatever music I want in the car, and no one is going to touch the dial.
-Speaking of driving, I don't have to readjust my seat and mirror after a girlfriend has borrowed my car.
-I still have time to track down Katie the Bank Teller. She's out there somewhere.
-I can always clean up my apartment tomorrow.
-My name has become attached with phrases signaling the single life, such as "Bystander Effect" and "I don't really like coffee that much." It's all about branding.
-I get better gas mileage in my car because I don't have the extra weight of another person.
-I've never seen Twilight.
-I can giggle when someone says stuff like "booger" or "fart" without being scolded for being immature.
-My diet consists primarily of the basic food groups--meat, potatoes, baked beans, pizza, and nutty bars. No one is trying to stuff rabbit food or grass clippings down my gullet.
-The money in my bank account is dwindling at a slower pace than it otherwise would.
-I don't have to go out on Friday nights. Instead, I'm free to stay home and make sure no one breaks in to steal my Planet of the Apes poster. I do live in the 'hood, after all.
If you're single, leave a comment with some other good things about it, and have a great Valentine's/Singles Awareness/Chocolate Appreciation Day.
2 comments:
I had to see The Vow. And my bank account took a hit. Your list seems accurate enough. I'll help find Katie, too.
I feel like you took a couple of shots at me dude...me and you...monkeybars...during recess.
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