Alexithymia

.................And we're back!

It's been a pretty long time since I've written any new blog posts. There has been a reason for this. The past several weeks have been some of the busiest of my entire academic career, and since none of my friends have been willing to quit their jobs, move to Cincinnati, and become my personal research assistant, I've had to do all the work myself. Those jerks. I'm actually still not done with all of the papers that I've been working on, and even tonight, I plan to stay up late, eating pizza rolls, drinking Cherry Coke, and writing on the book of Revelation. Ain't no thang.

However, I do feel it's necessary for me to write something new on here. If I don't write on my blog somewhat frequently, I'm afraid people will begin to think I've died. And if you're an attractive woman, I can't have you thinking I'm dead, because then you'll stop trying to marry me.

I'm not really that good at expressing myself. I've come to this realization over the last few weeks, and it's a very unfortunate problem to have. After all, communication is my business. Every Sunday morning I stand in front of a group of people and preach a message. I write numerous papers each semester. And, of course, I occassionally try to convey a few coherent thoughts right here. Words are my tools, and if I'm not able to wield them effectively in presenting ideas, then I have little else to offer.

And yet, I struggle with this. In certain areas, at least. I think I'm pretty good with concepts and ideas. Those are easy. I can draw up well-structured essays on biblical research, and I can elucidate on something I've read. Where I have problems, though, is in putting words to emotions. I think a lot of people might have the same problem. Many of us don't do well at expressing the way that we feel.

In fact, I'm not sure that it's actually possible to completely describe inner feelings through words. I can't always  understand the way I'm feeling in my own mind, so it's even more difficult to relay this to others. Language falls short. All of us have dreams, fears, yearnings, and aches within us that we have trouble putting into words. It feels that no matter what we say, others won't really understand what we're experiencing.

People who do a good job of this are extraordinarily rare. I think we call them poets. Because when we attempt to describe the garbled mess of emotions that stir within us, language meets its breaking point, and the best way to nod toward what we mean is to use metaphor and imagery.

I'm not a poet. I write and think in paragraph form: topic sentence, a few pieces of evidence or illustration, and then a fitting conclusion. The problem is that the workings of the heart don't fit into such a tidy framework. They flow like a flooding river rather than staying within the predetermined bounds of a swimming pool.

There is a condition called "alexithymia," which is a deficiency in being able to understand or express emotions. A person who consistently experiences alexithymia might have interpersonal problems because their relationships seem superficial. They feel unable to get beyond the surface because they are unable to relate to others on a deeper level. I can relate to that, and maybe you can too. In fact, I think that even people with a number of wonderful relationships can have moments of alexithymia, because even in our most intimate relationships, there is a point at which another person just can't fully understand what I'm feeling, no matter how I try to explain it.

It's so comforting, then, to know that there is one person who really does understand how I feel, even when I don't understand it myself. A couple weeks ago one of my favorite songs came across my iTunes. It's somewhat dated now, but it's still near to top of my list of favorites: "I Am Understood?" by Relient K. Here's what the chorus says:

And you looked into my life and never stopped
And you're thinking all my thoughts
Are so simple, but so beautiful
And you recite my words right back to me
Before I even speak
You let me know, I am understood


These words remind me of Psalm 139, which is one of my favorite passages of Scripture: "O Lord, you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord, you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it."

I need to be reminded of those words over and over again. Because alexithymia is so frustrating. It's maddening to have something happening within you but to be unable to put the words to paper in order to make sense of it all. I don't always understand how I feel, but God does know, because he made me, and he sees my thoughts and my spirit clearly. We truly are understood.