This post is a bicentennial of sorts (a bicentpostal?), because this is the 200TH POST on A Chicken in a Cage with a Ferret. If the United States gets a special coin for turning 200, I think it's only fair that there be something to celebrate my accomplishment as well. Maybe not a coin, but something. I already tried to get Macy's to fly a balloon of my face in the Thanksgiving Day Parade this morning, but they said it was too short of notice. Maybe we could make a commemorative quilt? One of you should get started on that.
In the last 199 posts, I've done a lot of writing about myself. However, I haven't done much writing about YOU. And so, on this 200th post, and since it is Thanksgiving, I thought it was time to give you your due. And so, this is my tribute to you, Reader. Enjoy it. Because it probably won't happen again.
I tried to think about what qualities my average reader probably possesses. The first on that I thought was "Extremely bored." It seriously shocks me that you've chosen to make your way here. Have you ever been on the Internet before? Do you know how much other stuff there is to do out there? I mean you could be looking at this or this or this, or even this, and all of that would probably be a more productive and entertaining use of your time.
I do realize, however, that "bored" probably isn't the most complementary quality to ascribe to a person, and it doesn't make for a very good tribute. So let's start over. You, O Reader, are...
1. Patient. I write a lot of ridiculous things on here, and I take a long time to say them. For instance, this is the real beginning of what I've wanted to say in this post, and it's taken me five paragraphs of introduction to get here. Most of my posts include a number of jokes that I doubt anyone will laugh at besides me, and just about every post includes an unabashed plea for a date, or for brownies (this post will be no exception, by the way). And yet, in spite of all my absurdity, you hang in there. If more Black Friday shoppers had your patience, I wouldn't be thinking about eating my Thanksgiving turkey raw so that I would get sick and not have to go to work right now.
2. Good-looking. When you were in Jr. High, did you ever notice that all the really good-looking people tended to hang out together. I was always wondered how this worked out. Did they take applications and hold interviews or something? At what point would they say, "No, you're just too average-looking to run with us"? If this trend continues into early adulthood, I have to assume that you, Reader, are very good-looking, because, well, I'm good-looking (patchy beard notwithstanding). So if you need to, take a break from reading this for a moment, go look in your bathroom mirror, wink at yourself, and rest secure in the fact of your natural attractiveness.
3. Generous. This is a quality of yourself that you still need to prove. But I have faith in you. Christmas season is beginning, and it is the season for giving. You'll be busy getting gifts for your family, friends, and significant others. But you know who tends to fall through the cracks in all of this? The bloggers in your life. And those bloggers are hungry. For brownies. And cookies. And cash.
But on a serious note, I do want to wish you the happiest of Thanksgivings, and I hope that you have a wonderful day with family and friends and pies and mashed potatoes. I am sincerely thankful for you and for the fact that you've chosen to spend a few minutes of your day here, and I'm really thankful for those of you who do this every week.
And if you do decide to go out shopping for Black Friday, please, for my sake, be kind and gracious to the employees who are working. Whenever you see one, picture him as a sweet little puppy that needs a kind word. And if he hits on you and asks for your number, just go with it. He deserves it.
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