The Problem of Me

A few days ago I wrote saying that I was starting a series of posts on the kingdom of God. This post doesn't fit into that series. I'll still write them, but I did some reflecting during my drive to school today (one of the very few benefits of city traffic), and I wanted to get some of these thoughts down while they're still fresh.

I, just like many other people, don't always like how every aspect of my life is going. I have frustrations and problems. There are things that I would like to change. I think we all go through that. If you don't, you're simply a much more complete person that I am, and those of us who are struggling could certainly benefit from your insights.

I've discovered recently that I have developed a bad habit of pinning these problems in my life to external situations. I have found ways to blame negative elements of my life on things outside of myself that, for the most part, I have no real control over. Some circumstance, situation, event, or other person becomes the thing I point to and say, "And that's the source of all my problems."

What I'm realizing, however, is that my biggest problem is me.

Maybe a couple examples will help illustrate what I mean. For the first year and a half after I moved to Cincinnati, I worked in a retail job that I did not like at all. I had a long list of grievances running in my head, filled with reasons that this job was the bane of my existence. At the top of the list was probably the scheduling. I had to work significantly more hours than I wanted to, and the hours that I did work were sporadic. It was hard to get into any sort of routine, and this type of schedule was not conducive to my life as a student. I had trouble staying on top of my schoolwork, and I also struggled to keep up with my various other responsibilities. My apartment was always messy because I never had time to clean up. I had stacks of unopened mail that I hadn't had time to sort through. I was forced to write papers or study for tests at the last moment, and I would often only practice my sermons on Sunday morning before I left for church.

Through all of this, I thought, "Man, things would be so much easier if my work schedule was different. Then I could be much more productive. I would get ahead on my responsibilities. This stupid job is keeping me from being the type of person I could be."

And then about six weeks ago, I did get a new job. I quit my old one. And my new work schedule is completely different. I work fewer hours per week, and there is a consistency in the schedule. I'm never there past one in the afternoon, and my Fridays and Saturdays are totally free. I finally have the time to take care the things that need to get done. And yet, even after six weeks on my new schedule, I'm still behind in school. I still don't feel prepared when I get up to preach on Sunday mornings. My coffee table is still cluttered with empty Coke cans, and my sink is still overflowing with dirty dishes.

I thought my problem was my work schedule. That was something external, something I couldn't really control, and thus something that I could complain about, allowing me to stay how I was. But even with that circumstance removed, my problems of lack of productivity continues. So maybe it was never an external problem at all. The issue wasn't my work schedule. The issue is just that I'm a lazy person. Even when I have a lot of time on my hands, I use it watching Netflix or checking out YouTube videos, and the real issue is never resolved.

Or, for another example, it's no secret that I haven't had much relational success in my life, and I've written frequently about that and joked about it. (Unless you happen to be Katie the Bank Teller. If you're reading this....I was completely serious about everything I've written about you on here. Call me.) I haven't been on a date in three years, and even then, I think she probably went to be ironic or something. And over the years, I've had some "near misses" with some relationships, but the externals got in the way. A girl I was interested in would mistreat me in some way, or there would be insurmountable circumstances, or the timing wouldn't be just right. So I would point to these externals and use them to portray myself as a victim--a victim of another person, a victim of fate, a victim of bad luck, or whatever else.

But what I'm seeing more and more is that these externals aren't the problem. The problem is within me. I'm a selfish person. I'm a cowardly person. I'm an unwise person. And these internals are more than likely what causes relational problems in my life. I have no right to complain about being a victim unless I recognize that I'm only a victim of myself.

This is an incredibly difficult realization to deal with. No one likes to be confronted with the nasty things inside of them. Each of us pictures ourselves as the hero of the story. We never imagine that we could be the villains. You look in the mirror and expect to see an Adonis, but the person staring back at you is an overweight kid with a horrible bowl-cut. It's painful to come face to face with your personal flaws, especially when those flaws shatter the ideal self-understanding you had created.

To blame an external problem is a cop-out, and I've been doing it for a long time. It keeps me from having to face the type of person I really am, the person I try to ignore. When I look at myself, and I mean really look, much of what I see is pretty gross.

And yet, as difficult as all of this is, it's only at this point that positive change can take place. And that's the key. Otherwise, my fatalism with regard to circumstances is only replaced with a fatalism with regard to myself, and that's not helpful. It's even more destructive. It doesn't help if I go from saying, "Well, that's the way things are, and I can't change it" to saying "Well, that's the way I am, and I can't change it."

No, recognizing my internal problems puts me in the position for change and growth. I'm a lazy, undisciplined person. And when I stop pinning problems on my work schedule and face the ugly truth that I am lazy, then I can begin to take steps to be less lazy. I'm also an incredibly selfish person. And when I stop blaming poor relationships on what whatever girl did to me in the past or on whatever situation I can't control, and I face up the fact that I am consistently selfish, then I can begin to replace that selfishness with love.

I'm coming to understand that I'm not near as good as I thought I was. But my hope is that this enables me to become better than I am.