Inconvenient Love

Earlier this summer, I read the late Brennan Manning's book Patched Together. The book is a modern-day parable about Willie Juan, who grows up as somewhat of an outcast in a small town in Mexico. Willie Juan doesn't really fit in with the other kids in his village. His ethnic blend causes him to look different from the others, and he lives with his grandmother rather than with his father and mother. Because of Willie Juan's oddities, the other children constantly pick on him and pull embarrassing pranks on him. The only one of his peers who defends him or  shows any kindness toward him is a little girl named Ana.

As the years go by, Willie Juan becomes increasingly skilled in wood-carving, and his craftsmanship is recognized by a wealthy American patron. Willie Juan leaves his poverty-stricken village in Mexico and moves to Santa Fe, New Mexico. He lives in a large mansion and enjoys the luxuries associated with his new found success. The struggles and hurts he experienced as a child have been left behind him, and he begins a life of acceptance, respect, and wealth.

More time goes by. Then one day Willie Juan happens upon someone he did not expect to see--Ana. The girl who had once been his only friend had become a young woman and moved to Santa Fe, where she worked among the poor. She lives in a cardboard shack only eight feet long, where she cares for several orphaned children.

Willie Juan quickly becomes enamored with Ana. He goes to visit her every day, and they take long walks along the river before he walks her back to her shack. In his own mind, Willie Juan vows to one day take Ana away from the poverty in which she lives. Finally, one day Willie Juan takes Ana's hand, professes his love for her, and asks her to marry him. Ana responds to Willie Juan's proposal by admitting that she also loves him. But she also loves the poor people among whom she works and lives, and she says that she would be happy to marry Willie Juan if he would come live and work with her there.

Willie Juan is confused by Ana's answer. It's not what he had been anticipating. He asks, "What? I don't understand. You mean to marry you I must live like you in a little cardboard shack with no water and no bathtub? I have worked so hard to get away from all that." Willie Juan had worked his whole life to attain what he had, but marrying Ana would mean giving all of it up, and he is unwilling to do that. So he goes home and tells himself that if Ana would not come to be with him, he would not go see her again.

As a reader, I wanted to have a little chat with Willie Juan at this point. You know that Ana is the person Willie Juan needs to be with. You are rooting for these two childhood friends to come together. But Willie Juan walks away because he is unwilling to sacrifice the life he had constructed for himself. In his mind, Ana just isn't worth it.

It's a good lesson on love, I think. When I reached this point in the story, I shut my book for a moment and thought about where Willie Juan had gone wrong, and the conclusion I came to is this:

Love is a willingness to bend.

Willie Juan thinks he loves Ana. But when faced with a choice between Ana and the comfort and wealth he has become used to, he chooses the comfort. He wants to marry Ana, but only if its on his terms.

Many people (including me) try to love others the same way that Willie Juan does. We say we love others, but only insofar as that love doesn't rattle our lives too much. But genuine love always costs something. It's always inconvenient. It always demands something of the lover.

A while back a friend of mine was telling me about his relationship with his wife and how he felt when they started dating. He said that if there had been something keeping him from her, he would have done anything to get back to her. He would have quit his job, dropped out of school, moved across the country...whatever it took. He has a furious, all-in type of love. And that may be the truest type of love.

The truth is that if you are only looking for friendships that won't make many demands on your time or attention, then your life will only consist of shallow, superficial friendships. And if, like Willie Juan, you want a husband or wife who will "fit in" with the life you've already planned for yourself, you're setting yourself up for either loneliness or frustration. And if you want a God who you can just "add on" to your life like an accessory, you won't find the real God.

I can be a bit of a planner. For most of my life, I've had a pretty good idea of what I would be doing in the future, and perhaps this has led to me thinking that's what I need to be doing in the future. For example, I decided where I would go for college when I was just beginning my high school career. I planned out what I would do with my summers months in advance. Then I chose to go to graduate school, thus locking down another three years. I've always liked to feel like I have some level of control over my life. But this can be a problem for me. I recognize that. I wonder how my social relationships have suffered because I have been unwilling to sacrifice my own plans, and I wonder how my connection with God can also suffer for the same reasons. Have I not been open to others because of how it might affect my plans? Have I kept God at arm's length for fear he would wash away the sandcastle I've worked so hard to build?

I don't want to be someone who is controlled by preset plans or self-imposed duty. I want to be a person who is motivated by love--someone who is willing to sacrifice his own interests for the sake of others and someone who is open to others and to God, regardless of how inconvenient it may be. Someone who is willing to bend.